So...I have decided to start a blog for my own personal self-discovery purposes. At this point in my life it will probably be kind of depressing but either way, I am writing it mostly for me. I haven't had one of these in a while, and back in the day it used to be a release.

So I have not been able to stop crying. I mean I have, but it inevitably starts again. I mean I should believe him. I WANT to believe him. I think that part of the reason it makes me so upset is because I feel like the only other time we have gone this long without talking is when we were broken up. It brings back some of those feelings and I am just so terrified that he is going to get back and realize he does not want to be with me. He tells me he will and that I have nothing to worry about- so I am going to really try to believe that because that would make me feel a lot better than what is swirling around in my head at the moment. I just wish I had something else to distract me. I am really upset about all this job stuff but him leaving was the icing on an already really awful tasting cake.

I went to central park today to try to make myself feel better. I walked around for a long time and I met a cockapoo named Molly. She was VERY cute. Five years old and from Australia. That is why she was bigger than normal cockapoos in the U.S.  I saw a new part of the park I had not seen before. I found this really cool restaurant  ( two expensive to eat at) on the water and then I found a place where you could rent boats in central park. Very cool. I also saw the friends fountain. I was finally feeling better and sat down on this fence thing overlooking the water. This couple comes and sits down next to me. We are sitting there for five minutes or so and then I feel him hit my leg. He hits my leg by accident as he is getting down on one knee to propose. That is how close he was to me. I heard the whole thing- I felt like he was almost asking me to marry him. So of course I awkwardly start crying again. The ring was beautiful although the girl seemed more excited about the ring then the guy. Then a photographer comes out from far away who the guy had obviously hired to take pictures and a few other family members and they start clapping. I was just sitting there crying. I swear- the weirdest stuff happens to me. Like really.

At least this could be another weight loss tactic again as I have probably put on a few- and I am not really eating much again. Oh well. I wish more than anything that I had a dog. I can be crying and then see a dog and get to pet them and before I know it I am smiling. 

I really am excited for Whit to have this experience but I am SO excited for when he is done for us to be able to actually start being together. I think for a while that we needed the distance. But now I am so over the distance it is not even funny. 

I am going to see Sunshine Cleaning tonight, which will hopefully be good or at least entertaining. Still trying to just get my mind off of everything. Very hard to do.

I hate that I have to leave New York when it really is such an amazing city. Oh well. Nothing I can do unless someone just wants to hand me a ton of money. Which would be pretty sweet.

I guess this is the end for now. But I feel like I probably will write a lot.

XOXO